On Dealing With Rejection. Two Minute Read.

This may not sound like a very positive post but in reality rejection always offer the opportunity for something new and potentially better to happen. Its the silver lining to an awkward feeling inside oneself,

What did I do wrong ?

As a composer I am used to the endless rejections for applications. I have a graveyard, but actually I am quite proud of it because it is a place where each beautifully crafted gravestone holds the story of my ideas expressed so as to fit in with the criteria of an outside brief. I have tended this garden with great care, no attempt is a waste of time. However obviously it is quite hard to squeeze yourself into jeans that are too tight! But every now and then I get lucky such as a competition won: The Lockdown Diaries for Skipton Camerata,

The Frontline Worker, Self, 2021 on Youtube

https://youtu.be/I2M1TZkx2MA?si=K4kRhBbhgwu-vxou

or a recent shortlisting and interview for a composition teaching post at Durham University which although I didn't get I enjoyed the process. It is exciting to feel one is accepted however the cost to oneself from the squeezing can be detrimental. One eminent composition supervisor for my PhD revealed that his life had been made a living misery by International opera houses producing his children's opera on multi-occasions whilst ignoring the deeper angle that the opera expressed. He seemed near mental collapse and made me swear that for my PhD opera Quilt Song, I would follow my own nose in every respect. I oversaw every aspect of the production even down to the funding for which I raised 25 K independently. This choice avoided for example an Arts Council application which is very tough to fit into and anyway is not allowed when you are in full time education. 

Ten Minute introduction to Quilt Song with interviews, Self, 2018, 

https://youtu.be/Yu2LeU87oHw  

But rejection can come in other more painful forms such as from friends or situations. Sometimes I find it very tough to personally cope with especially if I know the rejection is because of lack of duty of care. For example last summer a difficult situation arose with a holiday organisation that I was working for so that I had to resign my post on account of a disagreement over water safety. My integrity and training would not allow me to let people in my care swim unsupported by back-up boat round a dangerous island in the Aegean sea. I sadly had to withdraw on a point of principle. It was the right call but tough to have to reject a situation I love so much because of unethical practice. However the outpouring of love and support from people that I know within the organisation led me to experience that rejecting a situation however painful can have very positive outcomes.I am now free for the summer!

Island Tree, Self, 2023

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again! 

Robert Bruce, King of Scotland

The truth about rejection is that in life it can facilitate a very necessary prompt towards inner growth which can ultimately lead to more self empowerment. Last Autumn I invested in five coaching sessions with a top coach in my field. The outcome was that with her guidance, I realised the huge value of creating and manifesting my own projects over fitting into other organisations criteria. While it is lovely to be acknowledged by official bodies the down side is that they may, well frankly force you to twist your ideas to fit in with theirs. This can leave you in a depressive heap such as the composer who fashioned his well deserved 5 minute Proms commission to fit in with the symphonies in the programme and made a hash of it. Instead my wonderful coach helped lead me to the conclusion that I am on the right track and that official acceptance is the icing on the cake. Manifesting a performance of my Sea Requiem in Ely Cathedral last year resulted in a fabulous review in Musical Opinion something most composers only dream about! 

Sea Requiem was a substantial score, yet the material flowed naturally… the extended silence which followed this conclusion…. was a tribute to the audience’s rapt concentration and the cumulative effect of Susannah Self’s fervent, directly expressive music

Paul Conway, Musical Opinion 2023

SEA REQUIEM on you tube

https://youtu.be/3l0WV7o2aOQ 

Being Her-Self In Mexico

Two minute read on composing the Stabat Mater last summer

Stabat Mater was composed on the Greek island of Skyros during the summer of 2023.

Like a hermit, I composed daily in a bamboo hut with the help of an electric fan to keep me cool.

Out of the door I could see an idyllic sea bay beyond the pine trees.

The Stabat Mater text drew me into a deeper understanding of how the Virgin Mary must have felt at the foot of the cross.

I began to imagine not only her sorrow but also that of Mary Magdalene who was there too.

Therefore the soprano soloist represents the Virgin Mary and the alto soloist, Mary Magdalene.

I also chose to weave into the work some verses of the "Planctus Ante Nescia", another Medieval poem. This was to secure a more intimate view of the Virgin Mary's experience at the foot of the cross.

My overall compositional methodology was to develop the work organically, working from the centre and then outwards on both sides. This was to emulate the way in which an egg develops. In truth the work was composed in full score in a short period of ten days. The claustrophobia of the little hut combined with the exquisite beauty of the seascape drove me into an accelerated rate of output, so much so that on the last day I finished the work by staying up all night accompanied by the Skyros Skops owls. The next day I returned to our cottage beneath Ely Cathedral. The whole sequence of composing the Stabat Mater emulated within in me a dream-like state so that as I rehearse the work, I am scarcely aware that I have composed the music but rather sense that it has composed me! My heartfelt love and thanks goes to my composer husband, Michael Christie for his exquisite editing of the score and preparation of the parts. Also my deep gratitude to The North Sea Orchestra and Voices and the Ely Collegium for their commitment to singing a new work. This setting of the Stabat Mater is designed to go with the orchestration of the Vivaldi Gloria. I am indebted to my sponsors for being able to première the work in the Lady Chapel of Ely Cathedral on 13th April 2024.