I meet a tall, slim, mature man with long, wavey, fair hair. He has the feeling of a magician or a form of Dr Who. I am deeply attracted to him and he drives me in a sturdily armoured 4 x 4 truck along the side of a beautiful, clear, pollution-free river. It is summer and there are large oak trees set slightly away from the grassy banks that caress the winding river. The bank that we drive along is rocky and rough at first but then smooths out to grass and makes an easy ride.
The Scene: Self, 2024.
We arrive at a club house in the woods, were I discover that the elegant man I am attracted to is a composer. He is meeting a choir to talk about a commission. We are so excited by each other that we agree to meet in secret the next morning at 6.00 am in the club house to have sex. He gives me a four digit code to the club house which is 4121.
This is the dream I had last night. It was I fancy about the male soul that lives within me. He is a composer, he is my muse. He is also my husband, my lovers, my friends who support me and my infinite imagination. If a male artist has a female muse then it is fitting that a woman needs a male muse. I am not transgender however I identify as male composer because I am outspoken and compose muscular music as well as beautiful music. I like pithy music drama like Martha's Rant in my opera The Butt which I composed for Musiktheatertage in Vienna in 2016.
Dr Self conducting in Vienna 2016
But the dream has some other pointers. The infinite stream of clear and gorgeous music ideas that I have, the beauty of nature, the fact that being an artist is a rocky road sometimes. But most intriguingly of all that to get into the clubhouse, where I can join with my soul composer, I need a code.This final point reminds me how difficult it is to find the way into the accepted profession of composers. I still feel like on the outside but I am working on it!
Her Self in Mexico
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