This may not sound like a very positive post but in reality rejection always offer the opportunity for something new and potentially better to happen. Its the silver lining to an awkward feeling inside oneself,
What did I do wrong ?
As a composer I am used to the endless rejections for applications. I have a graveyard, but actually I am quite proud of it because it is a place where each beautifully crafted gravestone holds the story of my ideas expressed so as to fit in with the criteria of an outside brief. I have tended this garden with great care, no attempt is a waste of time. However obviously it is quite hard to squeeze yourself into jeans that are too tight! But every now and then I get lucky such as a competition won: The Lockdown Diaries for Skipton Camerata,
The Frontline Worker, Self, 2021 on Youtube
https://youtu.be/I2M1TZkx2MA?si=K4kRhBbhgwu-vxou
or a recent shortlisting and interview for a composition teaching post at Durham University which although I didn't get I enjoyed the process. It is exciting to feel one is accepted however the cost to oneself from the squeezing can be detrimental. One eminent composition supervisor for my PhD revealed that his life had been made a living misery by International opera houses producing his children's opera on multi-occasions whilst ignoring the deeper angle that the opera expressed. He seemed near mental collapse and made me swear that for my PhD opera Quilt Song, I would follow my own nose in every respect. I oversaw every aspect of the production even down to the funding for which I raised 25 K independently. This choice avoided for example an Arts Council application which is very tough to fit into and anyway is not allowed when you are in full time education.
Ten Minute introduction to Quilt Song with interviews, Self, 2018,
But rejection can come in other more painful forms such as from friends or situations. Sometimes I find it very tough to personally cope with especially if I know the rejection is because of lack of duty of care. For example last summer a difficult situation arose with a holiday organisation that I was working for so that I had to resign my post on account of a disagreement over water safety. My integrity and training would not allow me to let people in my care swim unsupported by back-up boat round a dangerous island in the Aegean sea. I sadly had to withdraw on a point of principle. It was the right call but tough to have to reject a situation I love so much because of unethical practice. However the outpouring of love and support from people that I know within the organisation led me to experience that rejecting a situation however painful can have very positive outcomes.I am now free for the summer!
Robert Bruce, King of Scotland
Sea Requiem was a substantial score, yet the material flowed naturally… the extended silence which followed this conclusion…. was a tribute to the audience’s rapt concentration and the cumulative effect of Susannah Self’s fervent, directly expressive music
Paul Conway, Musical Opinion 2023
SEA REQUIEM on you tube
Being Her-Self In Mexico
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