On Dealing With Rejection. Two Minute Read.

This may not sound like a very positive post but in reality rejection always offer the opportunity for something new and potentially better to happen. Its the silver lining to an awkward feeling inside oneself,

What did I do wrong ?

As a composer I am used to the endless rejections for applications. I have a graveyard, but actually I am quite proud of it because it is a place where each beautifully crafted gravestone holds the story of my ideas expressed so as to fit in with the criteria of an outside brief. I have tended this garden with great care, no attempt is a waste of time. However obviously it is quite hard to squeeze yourself into jeans that are too tight! But every now and then I get lucky such as a competition won: The Lockdown Diaries for Skipton Camerata,

The Frontline Worker, Self, 2021 on Youtube

https://youtu.be/I2M1TZkx2MA?si=K4kRhBbhgwu-vxou

or a recent shortlisting and interview for a composition teaching post at Durham University which although I didn't get I enjoyed the process. It is exciting to feel one is accepted however the cost to oneself from the squeezing can be detrimental. One eminent composition supervisor for my PhD revealed that his life had been made a living misery by International opera houses producing his children's opera on multi-occasions whilst ignoring the deeper angle that the opera expressed. He seemed near mental collapse and made me swear that for my PhD opera Quilt Song, I would follow my own nose in every respect. I oversaw every aspect of the production even down to the funding for which I raised 25 K independently. This choice avoided for example an Arts Council application which is very tough to fit into and anyway is not allowed when you are in full time education. 

Ten Minute introduction to Quilt Song with interviews, Self, 2018, 

https://youtu.be/Yu2LeU87oHw  

But rejection can come in other more painful forms such as from friends or situations. Sometimes I find it very tough to personally cope with especially if I know the rejection is because of lack of duty of care. For example last summer a difficult situation arose with a holiday organisation that I was working for so that I had to resign my post on account of a disagreement over water safety. My integrity and training would not allow me to let people in my care swim unsupported by back-up boat round a dangerous island in the Aegean sea. I sadly had to withdraw on a point of principle. It was the right call but tough to have to reject a situation I love so much because of unethical practice. However the outpouring of love and support from people that I know within the organisation led me to experience that rejecting a situation however painful can have very positive outcomes.I am now free for the summer!

Island Tree, Self, 2023

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again! 

Robert Bruce, King of Scotland

The truth about rejection is that in life it can facilitate a very necessary prompt towards inner growth which can ultimately lead to more self empowerment. Last Autumn I invested in five coaching sessions with a top coach in my field. The outcome was that with her guidance, I realised the huge value of creating and manifesting my own projects over fitting into other organisations criteria. While it is lovely to be acknowledged by official bodies the down side is that they may, well frankly force you to twist your ideas to fit in with theirs. This can leave you in a depressive heap such as the composer who fashioned his well deserved 5 minute Proms commission to fit in with the symphonies in the programme and made a hash of it. Instead my wonderful coach helped lead me to the conclusion that I am on the right track and that official acceptance is the icing on the cake. Manifesting a performance of my Sea Requiem in Ely Cathedral last year resulted in a fabulous review in Musical Opinion something most composers only dream about! 

Sea Requiem was a substantial score, yet the material flowed naturally… the extended silence which followed this conclusion…. was a tribute to the audience’s rapt concentration and the cumulative effect of Susannah Self’s fervent, directly expressive music

Paul Conway, Musical Opinion 2023

SEA REQUIEM on you tube

https://youtu.be/3l0WV7o2aOQ 

Being Her-Self In Mexico

Two minute read on composing the Stabat Mater last summer

Stabat Mater was composed on the Greek island of Skyros during the summer of 2023.

Like a hermit, I composed daily in a bamboo hut with the help of an electric fan to keep me cool.

Out of the door I could see an idyllic sea bay beyond the pine trees.

The Stabat Mater text drew me into a deeper understanding of how the Virgin Mary must have felt at the foot of the cross.

I began to imagine not only her sorrow but also that of Mary Magdalene who was there too.

Therefore the soprano soloist represents the Virgin Mary and the alto soloist, Mary Magdalene.

I also chose to weave into the work some verses of the "Planctus Ante Nescia", another Medieval poem. This was to secure a more intimate view of the Virgin Mary's experience at the foot of the cross.

My overall compositional methodology was to develop the work organically, working from the centre and then outwards on both sides. This was to emulate the way in which an egg develops. In truth the work was composed in full score in a short period of ten days. The claustrophobia of the little hut combined with the exquisite beauty of the seascape drove me into an accelerated rate of output, so much so that on the last day I finished the work by staying up all night accompanied by the Skyros Skops owls. The next day I returned to our cottage beneath Ely Cathedral. The whole sequence of composing the Stabat Mater emulated within in me a dream-like state so that as I rehearse the work, I am scarcely aware that I have composed the music but rather sense that it has composed me! My heartfelt love and thanks goes to my composer husband, Michael Christie for his exquisite editing of the score and preparation of the parts. Also my deep gratitude to The North Sea Orchestra and Voices and the Ely Collegium for their commitment to singing a new work. This setting of the Stabat Mater is designed to go with the orchestration of the Vivaldi Gloria. I am indebted to my sponsors for being able to première the work in the Lady Chapel of Ely Cathedral on 13th April 2024.

Real Men are Feminists

 

This blog is written with profound gratitude to all the special men and women who have supported my dreams as a composer even though I was born female.  

Some years ago realised that I would need to develop a strong sense of humour in relation to the continuing occasional hidden sexism that I encounter as a composer. It is often subtle but can feel like a sad rock in the stomach.

'I worked with another lady pianist' says a singer recently. What is a lady pianist ?  I think. Surely he saw from my email that I have a doctorate and that I am his conductor?

 'How to you identify sexually' a form for a composition residency from Snape requests. ' I identify as a successful male composer ' I write with a sense of ironic desperation and get the residency, although I now would say, I identify as a successful composer, period! 

As a woman who composes it is still not a good idea to express strong views or heaven forfend be trenchant however it is perfectly ok to be strong if you are male. When are we all going to wake up ? Women are not going to go away, we are people too.

 'Who are you?' a top publisher (a woman) parries at me in an opera conference break. 'I am Susannah Self, a composer' She visibly sighs. 'Oh women composers they are so lightweight'. I have already noted she has only one woman on her roster, but I hold my cool and dig into my humour sack. 'Perhaps you would like to have lunch so that we can discuss the future of women composers otherwise your publishing house could join the dinosaurs?' She weakly laughs and we have an amenable lunch although I doubt the lady is for turning.

In a cross section of contemporary operas staged by major opera companies in period 2016/2019 the five that I saw featured a proliferation of male protagonists: Harrison Birtwistle’s The Minotaur (2008), George Benjamin’s Written on Skin (2012) and Lessons in Love and Violence (2018), Hector Parra’s Les Bienveillantes (2019) and Wolfgang Rihm’s Jacob Lenz (2015). 

'Opera director Phyllida Lloyd says there is a conversation ‘that is being had amongst women in the theatre, about the dearth of great roles for women over a certain age, and also [how] job opportunities are much narrower forwomen who are of unconventional size, shape, accent, ethnic origin, whatever.’ 

(Saner, 2016: The Guardian)

' You conduct rather well for a.... ' Oops! The male adjudicator at a conducting competition (2014) trails away his words having realised it was wrong but then goes on to put his foot in it in a private moment with me by saying 'I don't like it that you are so tall'. What the ...! Three years later, 2017, a French newspaper publishes a diatribe by a French conductor who says that women shouldn't conduct ' because they are only suitable for the biological purpose of making babies'. I respond by creating a provocation with my creative partner Marina Sossi. We dress identically as conductors and hand out the pathetic article to passers by who are invited to read it and then do with the paper what they feel like such as crumpling it up in rage or attaching it to us. Most people are incredulous and shocked that someone would even dare to say this.

In the light of these occasional ongoing experiences it is hardly a surprise that I have sometimes wondered if I would have been better off as a man. But the truth is I don't identify as a man or a woman but as a person. I have always climbed trees, played football, made mud pies and lived out my dreams. I have been supported by an amazing Dad and the best male husband I could wish for, another composer brilliant composer in his own right but totally supportive, and yes real men are feminists. 

  

 

  

The Recording of The Sea Requiem

The première of The Sea Requiem was in the Lady Chapel of Ely Cathedral, 1st April 2023. The Sea Requiem is composed for soprano, mezzo, tenor and baritone soloists, SATB chorus, two horns and string orchestra. The orchestration is designed to work alongside Fauré’s Requiem for SATB choir and soloists, strings and two horns in a new arrangement by Michael Christie. 

The score can be viewed and purchased via

 composersedition.com/susannah-self-sea-requiem/ 

Outside my composing studio the ARC in Hindringham, Norfolk

 And the Lady Chapel at Ely Cathedral 

In the summer of 2021 on the beautiful and very hot island of Skyros, I set out to compose a Requiem in memory of my father. It is crafted to be sung by standard choral societies so the compositional material is intentionally tuneful and harmonically rich. In addition to the traditional Latin texts, I included more complex numbers for the soloists who sing settings of poems about the sea by Keats, Dickinson and Whitman.  

Soprano Aria

Bass Aria

Tenor Aria

The performance here on SoundCloud is sung by The North Sea Singers and The North Sea Orchestra led by The Chaos Collective with Ivan McCready on solo cello and Catrina Nixon and Trevor Denyer on horns. 

Vocal soloists: 

Catherine Joule - Soprano, 

Christopher Lemmings - Tenor,

 Julian Godlee - Bass. 

Susannah Self - Conducter and Mezzo. 

Michael Christie Co-conductor and Orchestral Manager.

Here is the SoundCloud link

https://soundcloud.com/selfmademusic/the-sea-requiem-composed-by-dr-susannah-self?si=cdd5bc5e55684c34aecd8132232ce661&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

I worked all day on the audio and video mix of performances of The Sea Requiem in Lady Chapel of Ely Cathedral with the preview in Hindringham Church. The two acoustics have different preferences: 

The Lady Chapel for the choir and Hindringham Church for the soloists. 

It is a juggling act of cutting and matching plus balancing with the recording studio in Logic Pro.

Inside The Lady Chapel

North Sea Singers and Orchestra

SOME EXTRACTS OF THE SCORE

Introit

Kyrie

As if the Sea Should Part Soprano Solo

As if the Sea Should Part Soprano Solo

Offertorium Solo Quartet

Sanctus

 Song of Myself  Bass Solo

De Profundis Mezzo Solo and Choir

Pie Jesu

Agnus Dei

The Sea by John Keats Tenor Solo

Libera Me

Dies Irae

Lux Aeterna Mezzo solo

14. In Paradisum

The Lady Chapel, Ely

For these concerts I am conducted my own ensemble, North Sea Voices and Orchestra led by The Chaos Collective https://www.chaos-collective.com who are a top professional string quartet based in coastal North Norfolk. 

The Chaos Collective

The whole North Sea ensemble has performed in my operas in Vienna, Cambridge and Birmingham. Funding for this project was provided by auctioning movements of the Sea Requiem as dedications to loved ones. This method of fundraising combined with a recent exhibition of my art and a very generous anonymous donation raised over £5,500, enough to cover in advance the fees of the players and soloists. 

Tickets to the concerts were free with a retiring collections, half to a cause and half to cover venue hire costs. 

Hindringham Church :£1,100.00 Gross: £550.00 for the church tower in Hindringham. 

The Lady Chapel: £1,500.00 Gross: £ 725.00 for new RNLI lifeboat at Wells Next-The-Sea in North Norfolk. 

In Hindringham Church for the Preview

Solo quartet with Michael Christie conducting

In Hindringham Church 

With Kris Neilsen

In Hindringham Church

In Norfolk

When a parent dies when you are singing abroad

In 2004 I won a year's contract in an audition with 30 other mezzos to sing Mistress Quickly in Verdi's Falstaff and Mrs Gross in Britten's Turn of The Screw at The Landestheater in Salzburg. It was a dream come true. Better roles than I had had at The Vlaamse Opera in Antwerp and Ghent plus the thrill of living in mountains in the romantic Austrian winter with cross country ski-ing easily available. 

My mother visited in the spring. We had a wonderful time drinking Grüner Veltliner on the roof terrace of the Hotel Stein and enjoying my performances and the general camaraderie. However she was not well. I knew in my heart that on her return to the UK she wouldn't make it. The heart surgeon said that one in twenty drop dead within the first thirty days of the operation. And so it was that the day after I had walked into the Salzburg mountains and seen a luminous sunset, my mother died. Thirty days exactly since her aortic valve had been replaced. I contemplated the wild garlic growing outside my urban apartment in Rettenparkstrasse.

" Can I speak to Penny ?" "Oh, I am so sorry " the nurse said "But Penny just died". I could hear my husband wail on another extension. What a co-incidence that we had rung at the same time, me from Salzburg, he from Hampstead. It was almost worse to hear him sobbing rather than receive the news that my brave Mum was no more. What should I do? Go home immediately? But for what? There had been no provision for goodbyes, anyway the Ryanair flight had already gone that day. 

Frau Schlager the Landestheater Intendant's secretary was uncommonly sympathetic. I performed Mrs Grose that night and was beautifully supported by the wonderful Maestro Ivor Bolton.

Mrs Grose in The Turn of The Screw

"Susannah Self is a British singer who also sings Mistress  Quickly in Salzburg, her Mrs Grose is as good as any I have heard"

Hugh Canning Opera Magazine 2005

Journey to The Self

When I became fascinated with Jung, many people made a joke of my name in relation to the Jungian concept of The Self! Pure coincidence I would suggest although a Jungian might say there is at least some synchronicity here. 

In my opera Analysis for non binary voice, electronics and optional string quintet. https://composersedition.com/susannah-self-analysis/ I explore scenes from my own Jungian Analysis, some of which in hindsight are very funny such as The Crazed Conductor and The Casting Couch. 

But it is an enduring love affair with Jung that leads me deep into drawing inspiration from his magnitudinous works to compose pieces such as E Perso Nel Tempo which is inspired by the Red Book https://composersedition.com/susannah-self-e-perso-nel-tempo/ ( chamber orchestra with voice) https://composersedition.com/susannah-self-e-perso-nel-tempo-version-for-chamber-orchestra/ (without voice).

View over Lake Maggiore from the dining room at The Eranos Centre

Inevitably my interests led me last autumn to the Eranos Centre in Switzerland where I gained the opportunity to make a composing retreat. Out of the experience I have created two contrasting works. 

First a formal composition: Harbour 8' for solo violin, string orchestra and wind quintet https://composersedition.com/susannah-self-night-sea-journey-ii-harbour/

Here is a synthetically generated performance of how Harbour will sound 

https://youtu.be/Ie-wQALkcB4

The Harbour at The Eranos Centre 

The second piece is called  Journey to The Self. I created this on my return using more experimental composition techniques interfaced with stands of Jungian thought and my own observations.    

Journey to the Self is a meditative account of my four day composing retreat at The Eranos Centre in Switzerland, October 2022. In particular Jung liked to attend and speak at conferences here . The verbal reflections include synchronistic observations, quotes from Jung , Murray Stein and my own impressions which connect to the piece I composed at Eranos called "Harbour". For the soundscape for Journey to the Self I multi-layered my voice using various transformations set against the backdrop of a gong that is in the garden at Eranos. I then delicately dusted in a deepening synthesiser to enhance the dream like quality of the refection.

Here is the link to the film of Journey to The Self

https://youtu.be/5UEwD0TC7Cs

The Round Table at the Eranos Centre overlooking Lake Maggiore

Finally I made the 1'30" video by the lakeside at Eranos to give a taste of the inspirational qualities that have led me to embark on this work.

https://youtu.be/xVL7fw4a8mo

View from the room where Jung stayed at The Eranos Institute 

Sound Healing: How it can improve mood and well being.

For the whole of my life I have been in flight from depression, you know, the type that has no particular reason. Mostly my escape routes have worked: hyper activity, creativity, unbound anger and super charged sex to name but a few. Imagine for a moment a small child (me) running away from the path of a tornado. Ground-hog day brings it whirring out of the sky on a regular basis and more so now. Why? Well of course I have my theories, but let’s not go there just yet.  What I am more interested in is the power of certain types of music to counter depressive thoughts. We will all have our individual preferences here but there is a deeper factor at work and that is that the music for healing needs to be gentle, nurturing, kind and supportive. Therefore, a lot of music that I normally love does not fulfil this criteria such as Wagner’s Parsifal – too reverential and sombre, The Rite of Spring – too peculiar and over stimulating, Bach’s music – too numinous and special for depression, Gruppen by Stockhausen, too tender and brutal. Even my own symphonic compositions don’t fit the bill. 

Journey: A meditative moment in HER BODY: Self, 2021.

Commissioned by Tête a Tête

(photo credit: Claire Shovelton)

It was during the period when I presented yearly at The Esalen Institute at Big Sur in California and at Rancho La Puerta in New Mexico that I alighted on the idea of creating and composing a special kind of music that would solely fit the purpose of inducing a meditative type state in which a person’s ability to heal their own psyche is activated and accelerated. The idea came to me from Jung’s approach to psychoanalysis which is to allow the analysand to find their own internal path to mental health. The analyst merely acts as a colleague on the journey and their self-revelation in the process is paramount. In a similar way I decided to channel the composing of a type of music that I sensed could heal and enliven a saddened mind. The resulting works are in deep contrast to the classical contemporary music that I compose. The musical expressions are far more relaxed and augmented so as to create a sense of timelessness. Here is an example of my latest work. You need to allow half an hour to experience this, and follow the suggestions in the film. I composed and created this together with the film last summer on the island of Skyros in Greece where I lead kayaking adventures and teach Dynamic Beach Art inspired by the work of Rauschenberg, Cage and Cunningham. I filmed from the water all the sacred sites in the bay of Atsitsa which are only reachable by kayak. As the magical water meets the complex rocks, a metaphor for life develops: The containing, nurturing sea, her depth, her understanding and caressing which rubs up against the set requirements of life embedded in the rocks.  

https://youtu.be/V2I0FWWGLYA

But let’s return specifically to my lowered mood difficulties. What is it all about? Probably the roots are in my mother’s breakdown when I was born and her subsequent recurring clinical depressions during my childhood. I was very lonely with her during that time so in a way I need to allow the memory of these feelings to come back and face up to them and move through them. The Sound Healing music allows me to do this in a way in which I feel held. When I deliver sound healing to an individual or a group I put the temenos or holding of that person’s soul and feelings at the very centre of my attention. There are studies at McGill University in Canada to show scientifically how brain waves can be lowered to Alpha and Beta by administering specifically designed sounds and music. What I am therefore aiming for with Sound Healing work is to simultaneously relax and stimulate the brain and psyche so as to re-generate itself. A person with lowered mood not only needs reassurance and comfort but also energy and enlivening. Hence my Sound Healing tracks feature meditative and energised sections. I want to stress that I am not trying to prove anything but instead provide an enjoyable holistic method which can significantly improve our inner life. Clinical depression may well require a different level of intervention. I would love to collaborate on a research project to see how Sound Healing could help in its treatment. With this in mind I am on the look-out to collaborate with clinical researchers. All I can say for the moment is that many people who have experienced my Sound Healing sessions have said that they felt enlivened and re-generated. 

My next retreats at The ARC in Coastal North Norfolk can be booked via this link:

http://www.selfmademusic.co.uk/smmevents.php

 

Also look out for www.skyros.com summer 2023 programmes where I present Sound Healing alongside Kayaking and Dynamic Beach Art. To finish, here are two more online Sound Healing sessions for you to experience. I would very much appreciate it if you could press the subscribe button on my you tube channel, it's free!

https://youtu.be/PJtJcNeIBEA

https://youtu.be/AhT7SeCAJKY